follow the yellow brick road.

Patterns repeat. That's what they do.
In times of great strife, patterns re-collect themselves into what they know.
Things hurt. We learn this as we travel along the same road our whole lives.
Things cut so deep that it seems incapable of being fixed.
It's only after time that you can look back and see that the cuts really weren't as deep as you thought.
Back when you thought you were destroyed, you were only let down.
When you thought absolutely no one in this world wanted to be with you,
there was someone right there - waiting in the distance.
Every time you thought you were wrong - you were right.
Whenever you knew you were right - you were wrong.
Patterns repeat. That's what we do.
We as humans are the patterns of life.
We do not follow a road; we are the road.
Our lives make up the insignificance of a moment or the importance of a second.
We are the seeds that plant the future.
Continue the patten - continue the tries.
The patterns are the things that don't make sense.
That's why there's no reason behind it.
It just is.
Follow the pattern. Follow your life.
In the end, we all end up where we're supposed to be.
In the center.

Dear God: If Only

If only we could love endlessly-
Flawlessly, with no effort.
If only the way we felt wasn’t a sin
And there were no consequences for our actions.
We could just be.
A single unit with no measure or standard.
If only I could write my feelings in the sky
For the world to see,
But it’s impossible.
The way You make me feel is indescribable,
But I can’t have You.
You’re not the easy way out
And that’s all that matters in the end right?
Taking care of myself?
What if what’s best for myself isn’t out there?
If only I could capture every second in time
Where I felt alone.
Then, could I prove to You that sometimes we’re just helpless?
I got what I deserved, but that wasn’t good enough.
I had to have more.
I saw something and I knew at that point
IT WAS GOING TO RUIN ME,
But I loved every minute of it.
You’ve saved so much of my life
And I am forever in debt.
Why can’t You see it’s not about me
And just take me?
I won’t fight.
If only…
If only I could stop
And just be.

I bare my windowed self untamed and untrained.

I am engaged. Let's just go on and state that simple fact for the world to hear. It's true and it's really here. I've gotten my wish. After nights and nights of crying out my dreams to God and praying every day He would rescue me from my loneliness - it's finally mine to hold. Trent makes me happier than anyone I could possibly ask for. However, I've come to a snag in my plot. Becoming a part of someone's life permanently calls for certain changes don't you think? I'm more than ready to become a single unit with him - I want him as my life. The only problem is the fact that maybe I'm not as willing to let everyone else go...

I am a person of memory. Things stick to me and whether I write it all down in my journal or not, it's there. All those images of their eyes staring back at me are burned into my brain. I can still feel the texture of my first's skin and I remember the layout of his bedroom vividly. I can still hear my first love's laugh ringing in my ears despite the meaningless feelings I have for him now. I even remember all the words that made me tingle inside from all those that never became anything more than a want and a need from me. What will it take for my heart to let those things go?

I know... it's not like I've got to ditch all my memories and become this entirely different person because of this. I simply feel that in order for my heart to be completely devoted to my husband I have to learn to let other people from my past go. It's unbearable to think about losing some of their friendships. I've made them a part of me forever and now I feel as if I'm forced to rip them out piece by piece.

For the one that I loathed with everything I had within me - I'm okay now.
For the one that I gave my most precious gift to - I'm sorry you never knew.
For the one that I shared only a half life with - our time was fate.

I know that this is what my entire life's journey has led me to. My marriage to Trent will honestly be what everything I went through was for and in the end I know I can look back and say it was all worth it. Every decision and every action was for our future. Thank you to anyone who broke my heart and thank you to anyone who held it together even for just a moment.

Thank you to anyone who gave me a second life in which I could live for whatever time we had.

I will never let any of you completely go, but just know that I no longer depend on your memories to keep me whole anymore. I simply look back and remember how you all brought me to where I'm standing. That is how I will keep you in my life - as part of my journey.