I Don't Want to be Famous.

It's Monday.

I wasn't able to go to work today because of body pain and dizziness. I've never really spoken about this publicly before, but I suffer from an undiagnosed illness that I've been dealing with for many years. I have had chronic lower back pain since I was very young, and in more recent years I've been experiencing all over body aches and fatigue. I'm currently seeing a specialist that may or may not help me, but for now that's really all I know.

This isn't why I'm writing.
This is just why I'm on my blog at 11:32am on a Monday instead of scanning files at work.

I wanted to tell you all about about a revelation I had recently about the choices I've been making. So far, the year 2015 has been both incredible and overwhelming. I've connected deeper with a lot of people that have been hugely beneficial in helping me get my books out to the world. I've made some very close friends because of it, and I wouldn't trade that for anything. There are some other things, however, that I would like to trade.
I'm going to admit something to you that most authors probably won't.
I'm obsessed with myself.
That's right.

What I mean to say is this:
I've become obsessed with the idea of making it. Obsessed with the amount of money I could make off of each sale. Obsessed over how many likes my social media posts are getting. I calculate in my head what that means for exposure. I break down precisely what I need to do to get someone important (publishers, agents, big bloggers, etc.) to notice me. It's become such a daily routine of mine that I haven't written anything decent in weeks.

I sat down at my computer yesterday and planned to add in a few chapters that were needed in book 2 of TMBA. As I was writing, I became super excited. I was having fun with it. I got really into the setting and did all kinds of research for a specific idea I had in mind. And I thought to myself, "It's been a while since I had this much fun with what I do."

That's when it hit me.

Why am I so obsessed with trying to make it?
What is this nagging in the back of my mind telling me I need to be "famous" for my books?
When did I stop writing for me, and only me.

I had considered taking a break from writing all together so I could focus solely on querying to agents and submitting my books to publishers, yada-yada. But why would I do that? I don't want to lose myself in the business side of the book world. I've taken on the role of publisher, agent, publicist, editor, and everything else on my own for years now. And yes, it's quite tiring. But why would I sacrifice the one thing I love about this industry, just so I can "become huge"?

I posted the release dates for my next few books online yesterday, and the loyal readers that I've gained were ecstatic. If I stopped writing to pursue my "big break", I'd be letting every single one of them down. It might not be many. But they're out there. And they mean the world to me.

So I've come to this conclusion:

I don't want to think about what could happen.
I don't want to obsess over the money or the exposure.

I just want to write.


And that's what I'm going to do.


I honestly hate that I let it all get to me.
I promised myself that it wouldn't.
But that's why I'm here now.
I'm admitting it to myself and to all of you.
YOU are what keeps me grounded.

So please, hear me when I say THANK YOU.


-Megan.