I am engaged. Let's just go on and state that simple fact for the world to hear. It's true and it's really here. I've gotten my wish. After nights and nights of crying out my dreams to God and praying every day He would rescue me from my loneliness - it's finally mine to hold. Trent makes me happier than anyone I could possibly ask for. However, I've come to a snag in my plot. Becoming a part of someone's life permanently calls for certain changes don't you think? I'm more than ready to become a single unit with him - I want him as my life. The only problem is the fact that maybe I'm not as willing to let everyone else go...
I am a person of memory. Things stick to me and whether I write it all down in my journal or not, it's there. All those images of their eyes staring back at me are burned into my brain. I can still feel the texture of my first's skin and I remember the layout of his bedroom vividly. I can still hear my first love's laugh ringing in my ears despite the meaningless feelings I have for him now. I even remember all the words that made me tingle inside from all those that never became anything more than a want and a need from me. What will it take for my heart to let those things go?
I know... it's not like I've got to ditch all my memories and become this entirely different person because of this. I simply feel that in order for my heart to be completely devoted to my husband I have to learn to let other people from my past go. It's unbearable to think about losing some of their friendships. I've made them a part of me forever and now I feel as if I'm forced to rip them out piece by piece.
For the one that I loathed with everything I had within me - I'm okay now.
For the one that I gave my most precious gift to - I'm sorry you never knew.
For the one that I shared only a half life with - our time was fate.
I know that this is what my entire life's journey has led me to. My marriage to Trent will honestly be what everything I went through was for and in the end I know I can look back and say it was all worth it. Every decision and every action was for our future. Thank you to anyone who broke my heart and thank you to anyone who held it together even for just a moment.
Thank you to anyone who gave me a second life in which I could live for whatever time we had.
I will never let any of you completely go, but just know that I no longer depend on your memories to keep me whole anymore. I simply look back and remember how you all brought me to where I'm standing. That is how I will keep you in my life - as part of my journey.
Friday, January 29, 2010
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
What I want from this is learn to let go. No, not of you - of all that's been told. Forget you and all we've been through. I said leave it. There's nothing in you and if you hate me then hate me so good that you can let me out of this hell when your around.
Come all who are lost, into the storm.
Come all who are faithful, take up for the thorns.
Come all others who couldn't remember the cause.....
If you believed the words that spilled from my lips
I would tell you every inch that flows to the tips
Of my heart and my lungs in which I was born
To know of all people who've grown up to scorn.
Please pardon this reckless and heartless disease.
I know nothing more than what leads to the thieves
Of my every desire - what's lost and what's true.
You've known all along that this thing would not do.
I always prepared you for the day that it came.
You knew we would leave this with nothing to gain.
I'm sorry for encroaching myself in your world
For there's no harder fall than one for a girl
You care for with more than support and defense.
You've remembered her eyes and her smile ever since
The first day you tore down your emotional wall
And allowed her the access to bury it all.
You knew that I loved you and you knew it was chance
That us mere humans would suffice for romance
Despite the fact that it all was a dream
In which I envisioned a marvelous scene
Of just you and I with no one in sight.
I allowed my heart to grab hold of that night
That I knew would not come and I never would have.
I want nothing now but release from the scab
That's formed over my heart where your fingers now lie.
If this was all just a dream then I surely should hide
Away from the memories and bring forth and escape.
Let me out of your hell- tis the end of our fate.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
So I guess it's that time - time to fill you in on my life thus far. There's so much to it that I'm finding it hard to have the energy or the will to tell you. I am now an adult: 18 years old. My first semester as a senior in high school is already gone and now my choices for college are inching closer and closer. I now have a tattoo... gosh I waited too long for that. Trent and I will be engaged sometime soon and I must say it's very comforting to know that I am set with who I want to spend the rest of my life with. It's come down to the fact that high school and high schools friends/relationships mean nothing to me now. I've entrusted plenty of people with my care and sympathy but I realize now that nothing is worth a slight increment of time compared to my life with Trent. I have my best friend and I have my husband - I couldn't ask for anything more than that. After all I've been through in high school, it's all come down to this moment. I guess everything under the stars really is in my arms.